THE SECRET LIFE OF HADDON MCKENZIE

SCENE III

Julies. HADDON and BEV are having cocktails.

HADDON. Cindy.

BEV. Cindy?

HADDON. Yes.

BEV. Well I always see them together. I mean she seems pretty but...

HADDON. That just about says it, I think.

BEV. What?

HADDON. Pretty Butt!

BEV. Haddon, you’re awful. I mean she seems like a nice girl, but can she
skate?

HADDON. You said it.

BEV. Well if he’s in love with her --

HADDON. He thinks he’s in love with her.

BEV. He’s not really?

HADDON. No.

BEV. How do you know?

HADDON. When Mel finds someone, it will be someone much more substantial than
Cindy.

BEV. Mel is very talented.

HADDON. More so than he knows. So tell me, what’s the big news?

BEV. Well I was thinking we should get to it before Ivor joins us -- I don’t
want to talk about it in front of Ivor.

HADDON. What’s he doing?

BEV. Oh he’s buying some poetry book or something. His new favorite poet.
Rupert
Brooke, I think.

HADDON. So, what is it, I’m all in suspense.

BEV. Well, Haddon, the thing is, I’ve met someone.

HADDON(slightly belated, not really happy) You have.

BEV. Yes.

HADDON. How did you meet him?

BEV. Well I was very naughty the other night but I was sitting in that little
house on Moore Street just going crazy, it’s such a dark little house you know, can you tell me why they built all those houses in the forties and fifties with those massive porches on them? They don’t let in any light. All the houses in East York are so dark. They didn’t do that in Buffalo. They don’t have an porches in Buffalo.

HADDON. But Pete’s in Buffalo, isn’t he?

BEV. Yes, Pete. Haddon you know how to get right to the heart of the matter.
Well, anyway, I was sitting in the livingroom and it was completely dark, and I
don’t want to sit out on the porch because I don’t, well I don’t want to get to know
the neighbours, after all, I don’t know how long we’ll be living there so --

HADDON. So...

BEV. Yes, to make a long story short, I decided to go all on my own, to the Imperial Room. I mean it’s crazy, but it was Peggy Lee, and I just thought the Imperial Room is such a nice place, I mean, surely it’s a place a woman could go to alone, and then, why shouldn’t I go alone? Why shouldn’t I? I wanted to hear Peggy Lee, do I have to wait for some man to take me?

HADDON. I think you’re absolutely right, Bev.

BEV. I knew you would understand. I hope yo u don’t mind me saying this, but
sometimes you think like a woman Haddon. (She notices his negative reaction.)
And I don’t mean that in a bad way... I mean that in the nicest way. I mean
you are a man, of course, and if I do say so, quite an attractive one at
that, I’m sure you’ll make some woman very happy -- and especially because
you think like a woman, you can sympathize with a woman you understand how
she feels.That’s so rare in a man.

HADDON(wanting to change the subject) Anyway.

BEV. Anyway, there I was sitting at this little table, alone of course, and there was a man sitting with some business friends, at least they were all in suits, at this table right next to me, and I was fumbling in my purse for a light and he just walked over and lighted my cigarette.

HADDON. Well!

BEV. Yes, that’s what I thought, well, and if he had been unnattractive or creepy I would have said no thankyou, I have a lighter, but there was something about him, I don’t know how to describe him except to say that he’s such a man. I mean some men are just such men. Do you know what I mean?

HADDON. I think so.

BEV. Anyway, he charmed me immediately, and he’s very funny, he was a little
drunk I will admit, but we were in a bar, and one thing led to another, and I don’t usually do things like this, but, I’m a little ashamed, well I took him back to Moore
Street.

HADDON. Oh.

BEV. Do you disapprove?

HADDON. No.

BEV. You seem funny.

HADDON. Do I? Sorry. I’m just not feeling very well.

BEV. Oh. Are you feeling sick?

HADDON. Last night I had a bit of an argument with Mel about Cindy.

BEV. Oh, I see. That’s too bad. Well anyway, I took him back, which is terrible
of me I know, I would never normally do that but suffice it to say it was wonderful,
it was really wonderful, and a bit nerveracking because I think Ivor might have got sight of us kissing, he was up, anyway, after Matt, that’s his name, Matt, left. But I don’t think that’s a bad thing, you know? I mean if this relationship turns into something with Matt and I, Ivor will get to see what to real adult people who are in love act like, I mean he didn’t get to see that with his father and I mean, Pete -- I’ve told you about Pete

HADDON. Yes, you’ve told me about Pete.

BEV. Well there weren’t any of those problems with Matt, Matt was just fine. In
every way. I mean I don’t mind telling you, and I shouldn’t, but I think you’ll understand that there are some men that I would simply never give a blowjob to but then some men I certainly would (HADDON slams down his fork) I hope you don’t mind me saying that.

HADDON. Bev.

BEV. What?

HADDON. Bev. I think that’s a little too personal. I don’t really want to know
about that.

BEV. Oh. Do you disapprove?

HADDON. No, I don’t disapprove, it’s just...something you shouldn’t tell me.

BEV. Oh, well I supppose you’re right. Anyway, there are some problems with Matt which makes me feel I’ve been very bad . And I want you to tell me, because you’re so smart about these things.

HADDON. Tell you what.

BEV. Tell me if I should continue with Matt. I think this could be serious, this could get very serious, You know how one can tell when these things are serious, just by
-- well one can tell when one has...deep feelings.

HADDON. Yes.

BEV. Well the problem with Matt, is,-- nothing in bed, nothing at all in bed --
but the problem is that he, well, he’s married, and not only that but he’s
got six children, all boys apparently, and he’s a staunch Roman Catholic.

HADDON. Ahh.

BEV. Yes, so --

HADDON. Did you have to weedle that information out of him?

BEV. No, it’s one of the first things he told me. I really respected that about him actually. I mean it’s not like I don’t know what I’m getting into. It would mean being
the other woman. There’s something romantic about that of course, but I also
something sort of seedy and depressing, or it could get depressing. But then theres
Matt, I mean there’s just Matt. Do you know what it’s like when -- well I’m sure you
do when you meet someone and they are just, well they are just perfect for you and you have a feeling about them and it’s just not a feeling you ever expect to have about anyone else, and it just won’t go away?

HADDON. Yes, I think I know.

BEV. Yes, it’s called being in love. That’s what I think -- is that I could fall in love with Matt. I think I may actually be in love with him right now. And as I said, I think it would be good for Ivor to have a real man as a role model.

HADDON(offended)As opposed to --

BEV. Oh not as opposed to you, no of course not Haddon, but of course you’re his skating teacher, not his father, I mean as opposed to Pete of course, who’s not very manly as far as I’m concerned. I mean sometimes I worry Ivor is going to develop problems in that department, because of his father. I mean I tried to give him a little lesson in healthy sexuality, did I tell you about that?

HADDON. No, I dn’t think so.

BEV. Well Haddon has a hamster named Seymour, he’s probably told you about him, he loves that hamster very much, a little too much as far as I’m concerned, but, anyway, one day I decided to get a little female hamster as a companion so to speak for Seymour, and she was a very pretty little hamster, we named her Marmelade, don’t ask me why, I think because the pet store owner where we bought her was British, there are so many Brits in Toronto, I’ve really noticed, and they sort of rritate me, sort of snobby, but that’s another story, anyway, we brought this little female hamster home pretty little Marmelade, and we waited til she was in heat, and then we put her into a cage with Seymour and Ivor and I sat down in front of the cage, and I thought this will be an ideal lesson where Ivor can learn about human relationships, about love and sex and the whole thing, and so there we are watching these two hamsters, I’m serious and Marmelade -- well it was horrible to watch, truly terrifying -- she started to attack poor little Seymour and she almost killed him, I mean she was clawing at him biting him, she almost ate him alive. So ultimately I suppose it wasn’t really a very good lesson for Ivor, in well the facts of life, so I thought that if I got a boyfriend, like Matt, who was a real man, then Ivor might learn from the way we interacted, what a real adult, romantic relationship was about. What do you think?

HADDON. Bev, I don’t think you should go into this relationship to teach something
to Ivor. I think you should go into it because you are in love with this guy--which, after all, you seem to be.

BEV. Oh Haddon, you’re so perceptive, that’s what I love about you. You get right to the heart of the matter, and part of the problem, like my therapist told me, is I always put others before myself, and here I am putting Ivor before me, and the relationship shouldn’t be about Ivor, this is one relationship I should give to myself, it should be about me.

HADDON. Yes.

BEV. Well that’s great it makes me feel so much better.

HADDON. I’m glad.

BEV. Did you want to tell me something? Wasn’t it something about you and Mel and Cindy.

HADDON. Well I was just going to say that --

BEV (IVOR appears) Oh look, Ivor is here. (whisper) Can it save til later? (to Ivor) Adult talk. Secret adult talk darling, so did you get your little book?

IVOR. Yes.

BEV. Who is Rupert Brooke, anyway?

IVOR. He’s my favorite poet.

BEV. Oh, and what did he write.

IVOR. Poems.

BEV. Don’t be sarcastic dear. What kind of poems.

IVOR. Sonnets.

BEV. Oh, what kind of sonnets.

IVOR. About love.

BEV(eyeing HADDON). Oh that’s nice. Haddon and I were just talking about love, weren’t we Haddon?

HADDON. Yes, we were.

BEV. So sit down and we’ll order some dinner.

IVOR. I’m not hungry. (Pause, he looks at HADDON) Can I go in the car and read
my book?

BEV. No, you have to eat something. You have another special lesson tomorrow, where you’re going to start learning your ice dancing. I think that’s sort of exciting.

IVOR. Yes.

BEV. Don’t you find it exciting?

IVOR(tentative). Yes.

BEV. Well actually honey, before we actually have dinner I have to make a phone call (she winks at HADDON and mouths the word “Matt”) so why don’t you two order some dinner, I’ll have the veal cutlets and make sure to tell them to give me some mint jelly to go along with it, I just love their mint jelly. I’ll be back in a jiffy. (Pause, she runs off. HADDON and IVOR are alone.)

IVOR. Do you want to look at my book?

HADDON. If you want me to.

IVOR. I just thought you might like to see it.

HADDON. I don’t particularly.

IVOR. Okay. It’s a very old book.

HADDON (disinterested) Oh.

IVOR.(another pause) I’m sort of excited about the lesson tomorrow.

HADDON(not enthusiastic). Good.

IVOR. Are you?

HADDON. I don’t get excited about lessons as a rule. (pause)

IVOR. Can I ask you something?

HADDON. Okay.

IVOR. Sometimes I get the feeling you don’t like teaching me very much.

HADDON. Teaching is my job.

IVOR. That doesn’t really answer my question.

HADDON. Well maybe I don’t wish to answer your question.

IVOR. Why not.

HADDON. Because I don’t. (pause)

IVOR. Sometimes I think you don’t like me.

HADDON. You don’t have any idea what I think.

IVOR. That’s true. It’s hard to figure out what you’re thinking. (Pause) My father wants me to go into the insurance business with him. My mother says over my dead body. She’s right. I don’t want to do that. I think I know what I want to do though,
and it’s not figure skating. So you don’t have to worry if you think I’m a lousy skater.

HADDON.I didn’t say you were a lousy skater.

IVOR. What did you say?

HADDON. I didn’t say anything. (pause)

IVOR. You see,I saw this great movie with Bing Crosby once called Going My Way
and it’s all about a Catholic Priest --

HADDON. I’ve seen the movie about a hundred times.

IVOR. Well then you know about the scene where he gets all the little immigrant boys together, all the rough kids from the neighborhood and he teaches them to sing this song. Well when I was little that scene really inspired me, and I tried to get all the neighborhood boys together to sing a song together, which was nuts of course, because none of them wanted to do it. My mother thought I was crazy for trying to that, and the neighborhood kids thought I was nuts too, and their mothers --

HADDON. Why are you telling me this?

IVOR. Just to make conversation. I don’t know. (pause) You know sometimes you’re not very nice to me.

HADDON. I treat you the same as I treat all my students.

IVOR. Well anyway, the reason I’m telling you that is because I didn’t want you to feel pressured or anything to teach me, or to like me, or to make me into some sort of skating star, or to learn how to be a fabulous jumper, because what I think I want to do is something like what Bing Crosby did in Going My Way, only I haven’t figured out a way to do it exactly.

HADDON. You want to teach rough little immigrant boys how to sing? I don’t know if there’s much of a market for that these days. (Pause)

IVOR(staring at him, coldly). Now that was nasty.

HADDON. I just don’t understand what you’re telling me.

IVOR. I think I want to write plays, write musicals maybe. Make beautiful things.

HADDON. Oh.

IVOR. I just wanted to tell you t hat.

HADDON. Well thanks for the information.

IVOR. No problem. (pause)

HADDON. It’s good to know you’ve got a plan, because you jump like a ton of bricks.

(Pause. IVOR pulls his book out and starts to read it, turning away from HADDON)

BEV(arriving). I decided I don’t want the veal. Did you order already? Ivor, Haddon? Ivor, don’t read at the table.

HADDON. We haven’t ordered yet.

BEV. Good, I’ve decided I only want the veal if it’s nice and tender. There’s something about sticking a knife into the juicy flesh of a young calf, if I may be so graphic in my descriptions. (Pause) Am I being too graphic?

END OF SCENE THREE: >> SCENE FOUR